Toilet Lids Do Lead to Divorce! Anger UnTangled at Home  

Article by Jeanette Kasper

“Can’t you just put the toilet lid down when you’re finished?” she said with irritation.

“What’s the matter?” he sarcastically replied, “Can’t you do it yourself?”

And we have the makings for a divorce.

Anger is not an emotion. Anger is our defense mechanism of attacking others. All irritation, frustration, annoyance and outright anger is caused by the emotion of FEAR. The Number One fear that causes difficulties in relationships? Fighting for position in the pack. One-up-man-ship. I’m right. My expectations are more important than yours. I know better than you. And both Men and Women think this way – just over different things!

She gets angry over little things around the house: toilet lids, messes left, piles of stuff, unwillingness to help clean up. He gets angry over little things: can’t relax without her talking, she’s always spending, she won’t take care of the little fix-its. Every relationship has those little irksome things. How you handle it with each other is vital.

If you react with anger, irritation, frustration, or annoyance, you are attacking. When your partner feels under attack he or she has exactly one choice, defend him or herself or be hurt.

What you are practicing in your relationship over the little issues and getting better and better at is attacking. And your partner gets to practice defending him or herself.

When do you start learning how to talk, work through issues, compromise, and support each other? Maybe never. Maybe you get so good at attacking and defending that you never learn how to work through the issues.

If you attack over the little issues and get really good at that, what happens when the big issues come along? You have no practice working things through. Each of you has an accumulation of hurts. Each time you have mentioned something that you find annoying, and the other person has not been willing to work it through with you, you’ve added one more hurt to the list.

Now you have a long, long list of hurts, no practice supporting each other, and no practice with communication skills that will help you through the big issues. How close is divorce?

When your partner mentions the toilet lid or any of the other myriad of little things that annoy him or her, he is talking about himself and his fears. It has nothing to do with you. Can you just listen to what he has to say, without getting defensive back. His irritation or anger is simply showing something that he feels strongly about.

When you react back with anger you are giving the message, “Don’t tell me any of your fears, because if you do, I will attack you.” Look past the tone of voice to what’s driving the defensiveness. Anger, irritation, annoyance, frustration; they are all on the continuum of defensiveness. The bigger the fear, the bigger the need to get to safety, the bigger the defensive behavior.

Just listen. Can you empathize? Can you ask why he/she feels this way – and be completely sincere in wanting to know? Ask for his/her solution. Don’t try to fix it. Let your partner talk it through from the anger to the fear to the solutions. You get to be the sounding board.

You don’t really want to live a marriage or partnership where only the hurts accumulate. Really, don’t you want to create love, kindness and intimacy?

Start practicing today – oh yeah, and can you put the toilet lid down?!

Jeanette Kasper Your Anger UnTangler

About the Author

Jeanette Kasper Your Anger UnTangler Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON’T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier! You want anger management tips that work? I deliver. Conflict resolution strategies that calm? Absolutely.

Free reports and e-books, podcasts, video series, and webinars to pick up thousands of tips and strategies so you can live in your calm–always! are available on my website.

Jeanette Kasper is a corporate consultant, keynote speaker, coach, and trainer on podcasts, webinars, teleseminars.